God and Goggles

After three years in YWAM, working mostly with DTS, and having the same basic topics covered....me, in my little mind, thought that I would no longer have revelation about the topics we cover in class. WRONG!

Monday was the beginning of the topic "Nature and Character of God" and the challenge of discovering the way we view God before we began getting into learning about His character and nature. Everyone has a lens we view things through. This lens is shaped by our experiences, our failures,our successes, the pain of life, what we know about people and the way that they have treated us. Because of these experiences we view or shape God, the Bible and ourselves through these "goggles" of experiential knowledge.

For example today in worship we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name" and the list goes on in when we should be blessing the name of the Lord and then the chorus kicks in and the words are "you give and take away, but my heart will choose to say blessed be your name" The worship leader took the chorus and highlighted the fact that some people were unsatisfied with the agreement that God both gives and takes away, and alhtough I grit my teeth and spit out the words, my heart today was choosing to say something unChristian in response to Him both giving and taking away.

Normal has not been an easy route for me and being on campus without being a part of one specific thing has been extremely difficult. I don't deal with being left behind well and there are memories--all good--everywhere that remind me of people that I love and have grown close with over a period of months and who are just absent from my life. Vulnerability is not easy for me and although there has been soooooo much healing over the past few years loving and leaving has never been easy. I have been going through the stages of grief and Monday I guess was the stage of anger and just feeling abandoned by not only people but God as well. These were my feelings.

Sitting in class and having the realization flow over me that during worship I had/have been viewing God through the goggles of hurt and abandonment made me realize that I don't have it together and there are still lies I view God through. I was then challenged by these two statemnents
1.) Have I made God too small, too insignificant and not enough because of my experiencing the pain of love and loss?
2.) Am I trying to redefine God to fit into my image of who I think He is/should be or am I redefining myself into His image?

Honest truth?
I have much room to grow and more truth to learn about a God I want to walk in the image of. I know there are places where I have placed characteristics on God based on my experiences and although I have tried not to, those glasses somehow seem to be pushed back up on my nose.

What googles are you viewing God through and are you going to let Him take them off and reveal the true God?

Normalcy?

Since coming back from Russia I have been working in an office on campus. This office is very important because we process all the incoming and current staff and answer many questions about life on campus and other important things that people may ask. But I have been wondering if I want to be here in this place. The last six months was run at an extremely busy pace with no hopes of slowing down (which although makes me somewhat tired, I love) and the pace that I am working at now is I guess what people would call "normal". Last week that was hard for me because with nothing to keep my mind off things and I was really missing my team, but this week things have somewhat managed to fall into a much slower routine...like I get 8 hours of sleep and even though I am awake at 6:45am (all on my own...for those who know me well that is an almost impossible feat) I still have like two hours where i don't have any obligations and can spend time with myself.

Anyway...today I was walking down the very large hill that takes me to the bottom of the campus where I work and I realized that I had nothing super to think about and nothing pressing to do. The revelation was somewhat shocking as that meant for the moment I was truly carefree. Do I like this pace? No! Do I want to be normal? A part of me does, but there is this other part of me that thrives on having a day bursting at the seams with things to accomplish and life to do. The question is can I do normal and still fulfill the desire for adventure and challenge?

Russian Breakfast

Today I was eating cornflakes. Now the significance is just a memory for me, but i thought I would share it anyway.

While in Russia we made our own meals. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were prepared by me and the team. None of us were really huge breakfast eaters nor were we morning people, except for my co-leader Ben, so many times although it was freezing outside we decided to have cereal and milk for breakfast. Fast easy prep and really easy cleanup :)

Anyway....we had the luxury of the choice of milk and cereal which was a huge blessing, but things always look a little different in a foreign country. Morning #2 of our stay in Russia and we needed milk to go with our cereal. (By the way mom...they don't have healthy cereal in Russia! It is all sweetened and kid-like. I LOVE IT!) Again a preface-our team does not speak Russian and the alphabet is soooo much different than the American alphabet so it is really difficult to figure out what you are getting at the grocery store.

Out we go to the store to get our milk and the assumption is....if it is in a quart container it is milk....that is the way things are done in America. So we buy two quarts of "milk" to bring back and eat with our cereal. I go to shake the container and there is a heavy slosh to the milk, so I decided to open it and smell to make sure it is not rotten. Upon opening the container and peering in, I see a more solid but still liquid form of milk....not rotten just a form of yogurt with a bitter bitter smell.

Russians LOVE yogurt. They also like it on their cereal, but it is often times plain and bitter and very very watery. Needless to say we did not eat our cornflakes with milk that morning nor did we eat them with yogurt.

Not wanting to waste the gallon of "stuff" we bought, after about a week and some convincing from my Russian friends I tried it on my cornflakes. Not too bad, but let's just say I much prefer milk on my cornflakes :)

Bits and Pieces

So I have discovered that when I actually take the time to write things down I much prefer them on paper, but God is encouraging me to take this opportunity provided and share with everyone on the web. I am a perfectionist however, and that most often times throws me for a loop. Me being perfectionistic...if it doesn't get done the exact way and in the timing I want it the thing I am to do most often doesn't get done. All this said...I am working on memoirs from my trip and have been putting them on paper, but I will work to get them here as well. Some will be long and some will be short. That being said there should be some here. Thank you to all who follow me and who take the time to read this when I actually decide to write. May you all be blessed.